Eight rules for dating my daugher
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my Daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on his subject is "early."Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
(My wife ignores my instructions and actually spends money trying to satisfy these adolescent appetites, which is a bit like trying to warm a winter day by turning up the heat and opening your windows.)Anyway, the world is positively teeming with teenagers, and as long as people continue to think about starting a family, the trend is likely to continue. I am only willing to accept the blame for the ones that my wife caused and have taken educational measures with her to make sure it doesn't happen again.But if I am, indeed, surviving the experience, perhaps I can share with you some of the knowledge I have so painfully gained over what has been more than half a decade of tears, hormones, and stress fractures.If you've had a baby, or are engaged in breeding, I will tell you what you have to look forward to.Follow the advice contained in this book and remain focused on your goal, which is to get the teenagers moved out of the house before they breed and the whole cycle begins again.
(Some sociologists decry the loss of the "generational home," where grandparents, parents, children, and grandchildren all live under the same roof.If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.And in this case, the passengers are all yelling, 'I hate you! ' and slamming the door to the cockpit." Cameron has two daughters, so he is doubly aware that raising teenage girls is well, impossible.